I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
