I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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