I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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