i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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