Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize