I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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