i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
