I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
