so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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