you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
