i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Did I show you my penis last night?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
