You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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