i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize