There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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