is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
zippers are such a cool invention
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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