well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize