I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
