i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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