This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize