Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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