just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Someone signed my nipple.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
