My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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