boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
this boner is exhausting
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
