that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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