so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
