Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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