i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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