My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize