Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize