my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
