Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
