I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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