Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
