like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize