Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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