I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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