she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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