Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Drunk is not a location!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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