I can't watch pbs sober anymore
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
