I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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