you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
