My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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