i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
