I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You can't just leave with hair like that
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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