I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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