you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
