Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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