Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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