The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize