Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
