ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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