If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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