I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
