The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
