I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
