Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
