In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
bring money and cleavage
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
