this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
