I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
