in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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