No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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