how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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